How would you feel if your son or daughter married someone that is NOT Chinese?

Here are the NYU girls thoughts.

Julie
I always wanted my kids to marry someone who is Chinese. That is somewhat hypocritical because I've dated guys who are not Chinese -- but of course never got to the point of marriage.

If you give your kids a sense of identity, culture, & "Chinese-syness", I wonder if they have the foundation to seek out or be attracted to someone who is Chinese. I even wonder if it is important to them, or if they are aware of it or care. My boys did once tell me they felt more "white" growing up as Suburban Chinese kids in NJ. I didn't know this but our town is known as "Berkeley Whites"-its 85% Caucasian and 15% Asian. Virtually no blacks, kind of odd. So it would be no surprise if they married someone familiar to them from their growing up years. Do their friends think of them as Chinese (or Asian), and does it matter to them?

So, to answer my own question, I hope they marry someone they love, love, love and someone who loves them back equally. If they do not marry someone who is Chinese, does that mean our heritage is gone and our families are now more "American". Hhhhmmm. Alot of deep thought. But I guess that's a question for another day.

Today I asked Jake what traditions he would keep alive when he had his own place. He said he would continue with the lai see (red envelopes) but give more money. When I suggested oranges he said he'd do it but it wouldn't mean anything to him.
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Shirley

This is a deep question.

To be honest, I would like my kids to eventually marry someone who makes them happy, good to them, have ambition (which will provide financial stability…money isn’t the root of happiness but is definitely a necessity!), compatible, have strong family values and, ultimately, Chinese. I have tried to give my kids a sense of culture, identity and “Chinese-syness”. It’s not as easy as it sounds. I have tried different tactics such as bringing my kids to Chinatown to participate in various events and visiting grandparents and even had Ryan work with John Liu’s organization in Queens for 2 summers. At first, Ryan didn’t feel like he fit in. He told me that the first two weeks were quite awkward for him. However, he eventually felt “fit it”. Most of my kids’ friends are Caucasians. It’s interesting because my family is very diverse. Many of my cousins are bi-racial and/or married non-Asians (about 80%). Half of my mother’s siblings (4 out of 8) married non-Asians. Many of my cousins from my father’s side are also “mixed”. So, my kids find it quite odd that I have this “wanting them to marry Chinese” wish. In speaking with my cousins who are either bi-racial or married a non-Asian, they have told me that they have experienced racism much more so than being of one race. Also, they lack a sense of racial identity. I use to always ask my kids if they were ever discriminated against and their reply was always “no”. However, I think being Chinese is more accepted and less discriminated against than the “Blacks” or “Hispanics” in our community. Also, it depends on the individual and how they are perceived by others. Some kids are just looked upon as an easy prey and are possibly bullied as well. I think the fact that I was very involved in our community and got to know a lot of people, they knew who my kids were and accepted them more easily. As long as I’m around, I will continue to share/teach my kids certain traditions and hopefully, they will retain their culture regardless of who they marry. FYI…Ryan’s girlfriend of 2 years is Jewish. It’s funny, I only dated Chinese guys during my younger years. I was asked out by a few Caucasians but turned them down because I knew my parents would be opposed. My parents had such mental control of me!

Bottom line….I do hope that my kids will marry someone Chinese (not Asian but Chinese) and more importantly, someone who will make them happy. Regardless of who they marry, I will continue to instill the Chinese culture, traditions and values.
Shirley

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Margaret
Of course, since I am married to a non-Chinese person, this would not matter to me at all. The most important factor is that the person my son chooses is someone he loves deeply, can call his best friend, and would be content spending the rest of his life with through thick and thin. Another trait that would be important to me would be someone who recognizes the importance of family and who can assimilate well with our core values and beliefs. So if my son's soul mate winds up being non-Chinese, I would hope they still have a respect for our heritage and culture, and would embrace any traditions that we may follow.


When I was dating, I dated mostly Chinese, and I thought that marrying a Chinese person was my destiny. I also thought that for sure, one of my best friends (who shall remain nameless), who dated quite a few non-Chinese guys, would not marry Chinese, but did. Funny how life takes you through different paths that you never thought it would lead you. My father was pretty liberal with his thinking when I was dating, and surprisingly did not raise any objections to my marrying out of our race. What he did say to me was that he just wanted me to marry someone who was loving and would take care of me. My cousin (who grew up like a sister to me) had married a non-Chinese guy, and seeing how happy she was, and how well he treated her, I do think helped influence his thinking. From what I can tell, he has not had any cause to question his beliefs or regret his decision.
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Lucy


I don't think I would mind if the kids married someone that wasn't Chinese. I think for my kids since they grew up in Asia, chances are high they would marry someone
Asian. At our school now even though it's the Shanghai American School most of the kids are Asian. Companies are sending people over who can run business's in China so most
of them would be Chinese. Many families also have their own business's in Shanghai so they are paying for schooling.


I haven't really had to give them too much in terms of culture because we are immersed in it being in China. They probably have more Chinese culture than I did when I grew up!


They have been very sheltered growing up in Asia. They haven't experienced discrimination the way we did when we grew up. Chris said to me that he didn't care if his college was diverse
or not. I have a feeling he won't feel that way if he ends up at a school that isn't diverse.


I don't think that the kids will lose their heritage if they marry someone not Chinese. Hopefully, they will continue some Chinese traditions but I think their spouse will have something to do
with that as well. If mom/dad are around it will help to keep the traditions alive.


Being an ABC, often times I feel like I don't belong in either group-chinese or american. Even here in China. Most of the Asians can read/write/speak Chinese. I can imagine how being
mixed, you would feel the same way not belonging to either group too.


In the end, I just hope I like my son in law and daughter in laws. I hope they marry someone that they love and will make them happy.


Lucy
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The conclusion is universal-we want our kids to be happy.